Impossible.

It's official: I am a loser.

Yes, it's been 14 months since I last posted. While it may it seem like I had an actual life, the sad truth is that I just didn't/don't. Since last August not only have I turned from an assistant coach to a head coach at a high school (go alma mater!), graduated with a BFA in Interior Design, and found 2+ jobs (which I may or may not be getting paid), but I was also kicked out of my church. Yep, you heard it. I was given the boot.

I'm so excited about a ton of my accomplishments, but getting asked to stop attending an institution (that for all intents and purposes, was my home) was probably the hardest thing to go through. Since last November, I have been sifting through church after church, trying to decipher which one fit me best, and where God wanted me to be (it's amazing how silent God can be when you really need Him to be the most vocal). Name a church in the Kent/Covington/Maple Valley area, and I've been there. Or, I've at least ruled them out from their website (yes, I know the whole 'book by it's cover' argument...blah, blah, blah). There are a few that have sparked my interest, but for the most part it's been a downright disappointment. Had I only had the foresight to post them all on here, it would have been a roller coaster of a ride, from the downright depressing to the absolute hilarious. Props to SJ and CK for putting up with all the crazy-ness with me.

Anyways, I'm no closer to finding a new home than I was 11 months ago. And there are times when it downright hurts, I won't deny that. But, I'm usually such a Debbie Downer, that I've been trying to keep my chin up. And you know, it's actually working. I've got a ton of great things going for me, and while it's not perfect, I kind of love it.

I'm coaching 13(ish) high school girls how to play soccer. It's a daily struggle to be an example for them, as well as teach them not only the fundamentals of this glorious game, but also how to be young Godly women. Anyone can teach them how to play soccer. My goal is to instruct them in how to persevere, be dedicated to one another, and be responsible. I guess I'm a little optimistic when it comes to them.

Well, I'm starting to ramble, so I'll sign out. Sorry it's been so long, but I'm betting that the three of you who actually read this aren't too terribly worried. After all, CW got a super-serious bf, RB moved back to Washington (thank the Lord!) and KL got married! Woohoo! So excited for all of you! Loves, and we'll talk soon.

Blame Me! Blame Me!

It has been absolutely forever since I've been here (I seem to say that every time I come back. Maybe I should change my bad habits...). Yes, I'm still alive.

Life has been going at a million miles a minute, and doesn't seem to want to slow down anytime soon. While that may sound like a complaint, it's actually a huge praise. I kind of like that constant, busy feel. I get more accomplished, although every now and then I want a day where I can just sit and do nothing if I choose. Guess I'll have to keep waiting.

I am currently sitting in a completely empty room at school waiting for my next final to begin. My third in a series of 4 was this morning at 8am. My next one doesn't start till 1pm. Got a "nice" long break. I did fine on my first 3 classes so far, so here's hoping that the fourth one goes just as smoothly.

So, I have a job. Well, technically it's a job. I'm assistant coaching varsity soccer again at my old high school. It's an incredibly small place, but the girls are just great. What they lack in soccer skills they make up for in wonderful personalities. Although, it looks like we actually have a chance to win some games this year. It's been 2 years of straight losses for our Lady Mustangs, and I can't bear to see them go through all of that again. To see the humiliation and defeat on their faces is just more than I can take. My goal is to not only teach them the game and a passion for it, but also something deeper that will affect their lives in the future. Haven't exactly decided what they will be, but i figure I'll leave that part up to God.

Speaking of God, He's always got something up his sleeve, eh? Well, as you might know I had a falling out with a few of my then-close friends about 2yrs ago. We've barely spoken to each other since, except for at funerals or randomly bumping into one another. Needless to say, a lot of this was my own choosing because I was so hurt by what had happened, I couldn't bear to go through it all every time I saw them. Well, God's really been placing it on my heart that I didn't handle it as perfectly as I could have back then, and by not forgiving them for what they did, it only put that stress on me. So, He's been encouraging me to get back in contact and at least make amends, if for nothing else but my own sake.

Taking a cue from the prophet Jonah, I decided that I knew what was better for my own life than God did. So, I refused to even think about meeting with them. Yet, even when we decide what's going to happen, it never does. It was a constant battle in my mind to stop thinking about them. It seemed that everywhere I went, something reminded me of them, or their names randomly came up in a conversation. I had nowhere else to go.

So, last Monday, I finally told God, "Fine, you want me to meet with them? Give me a clear sign." (In case you were wondering, that's not the best way to approach the creator of heaven and earth.) When I arrived at my first soccer practice of the season, guess who showed up to play on the team? The sister of one of these girls. She'd never played before in her life, but felt this was her year to try. It hit me like a rock. I knew that I had to get back in touch and apologize. So, next Monday evening I am meeting with the two of them for coffee, and we'll see what happens from there. I don't expect things to be the same as they were before, but I do desire to see a change in my life. I can't keep dwelling in this stagnant pond I've lived in for the past two years. I think no matter what happens, it'll be healthier for everyone.

So, that's my life in a nutshell. I get a week off after these finals, then classes start back up again. Woohoo. One of these days I'll be done. Until then...

Ca Plane Pour Moi.

You know those posts that kept going around on Facebook?  Like, the ones where you are supposed to talk about your top 20ish things that people should know about you?  Well, I kept tossing those off as extremely ego-centric, which I think for the most part they really were.  But as I kept getting tagged and told that I also had to participate, I started thinking about it.  Maybe it wasn't that people were being self-centered, but that they were just describing the things that made them unique.  And when it comes down to that, it's not nearly as bad.

Well, I had a less than super night after about 11:30pm.  Honestly, I don't even know why.  The only conclusion I can jump to is that I've stressed myself out over so many things that I eventually snapped.  I simply couldn't take it anymore.  I had a long heart-to-heart with God, which is something that I regretfully have not done recently.  And in light of all this, I wanted to find the positive in my life again.  So, I'm giving in to the masses.  Although, just to be different, I didn't want to post it on Facebook.  I thought this was much better for a blog, instead.  Here goes...

20-ish Things That You May (Or May Not) Know About Me:

1.  I have two middle names: Grace and Reiko.

2.  I am an assistant coach for a Varsity soccer team.

3.  I didn't attend public school till I hit college.  Yeah, I was one of those kids.

4.  I've always wanted to own two hamsters and name them Tiki and Ronde.

5.  I have an unnatural and unhealthy obsession with Stephen Christian and Anberlin.

6.  I would prefer to listen to vinyls over cd's anyday.

7.  I have a favorite place that I love to drive at night.

8.  I want to backpack across Europe (at least 20 countries) and sleep in hostels.

9.  I collect souvenir pennies from cliche tourist traps.

10.  I want to be fluent in a language, other than English.

11.  My favorite book of the Bible is Hebrews, followed closely by Jude.

12.  I was born and raised in California till I was 9.

13.  I randomly give inanimate objects names, especially cars.

14.  My signature coffee drink is a tall Americano with three pumps of white mocha, no room.

15.  My favorite color is brown, mostly because everyone else doesn't like it.

16.  The best fruit in the world is pomegranate.  And yes, I liked them before they were cool.

17.  If I wasn't going to school for interior design, I'd like to be a counselor, full-time coach or a music promoter/manager.

18.  I have a very real and completely irrational fear of being tickled.

19.  When I was little, my family always told me that I was going to grow up to be an actress.  Or a cruise director.

20.  I can't survive even a 2-minute car ride without music playing.

21.  I grew up watching Charlie's Angels, Miami Vice and Dallas, not cartoons.  Ah, it explains so much.

Well, that's what makes me me, in a very large nutshell.  Writing it down is surprisingly therapeutic.  Gives you a sense of belonging, yet individuality all at the same time.  And sometimes, it's just nice to see those reassuring words.

 

C'etait Salement Romantique.

Ah, Sundays.  Such a relaxing time.  God was really a genius when He decided to take a day of rest.  Look at me: calling God a genius as if I had any right to commend Him when He did a good job, or judge Him when I think He's in the wrong.  When put that way, I really come to see how insignificant I am.  It's terrifying, and amazingly comforting all at the same time.   

So, I woke up to snow this morning.  Yes, snow.  In the middle of March.  In Washington.  Insanity, I know.  But, God's got His own sense of humor, so I decided to find it entertaining.  Besides, when summer hits I'll be begging for cold weather again.  I might as well enjoy it now while I can.

On another note, I've come to realize that going to an exceedingly liberal, Jesus-hating institution for an education has made me quite different.  It's not that I've abandoned my beliefs in any way, but I've come to understand how the other side lives.  I still don't agree with them and I still believe that they are wrong in every way, but if I expect them to agree with me both politically and spiritually, I can't go around hating them or putting down what they believe to be true.  Instead, I need to take my cue from Paul and "be all things to all people".  So, I've broadened my view, while still maintaining my values.  And I've noticed that I tend to see things (and people) in a more positive light, instead of being so concerned of condemning them.  This has created a lot of friction in my small group.  It's been very apparent that I'm more of a "fight", rather than "flight", type of person.  So, I tend to speak my mind and defend those who still have a chance.  Seeing as how I'm one of the only ones, it's usually me against everyone else.    I've quickly learned how difficult it is to be out-on-your-own.  But, I really feel that standing up for these people and reaching out to them is what I'm meant to do, for now at least.  

So, I've got finals this coming week.  This quarter was easy-ish, so they aren't so bad.  But, I do still have four of them to complete.  None of them are completely finished yet, but I have two that just need a little tweaking before they are turn-in ready.  One of mine that is due on Tuesday has not even been started, but I am the queen of procrastination, so it'll get done on time.  I seem to thrive on the late-night deadlines.  Ah, I'll put it out of my mind for now.  Why worry when I can put if off and blog instead?

I've been thinking this week that I wish I could blog about music.  It's not that I'm incapable of it, I just don't ever know what to say.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I seem to have a never-ending supply of things to say, just nothing profound enough for others to consider stimulating.  One of these days I'll be profound enough to start a blog like that, but until then I'll stick to reading others, and playing the Gold Star Challenge.  Close enough for me.

There's so much more I could say, but I'll leave it at that for now.  If I gold back, it'll give me a better reason to come back and write again, which is something that I really should do.  It's that little bit of a release that keeps me going.  Ah, the power of words again displayed.

I Believe In Immediacy.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

That phrase has never been more clear than tonight.  Let's just say that a casual Bible Study was anything but.  I won't bore anyone with the details, because even I am tired of thinking about them.  I've just come to realize that I completely despise people who are purposely ignorant.  They are aware that they don't know things, and yet they choose to not resolve it.  Or, they are so completely close minded that they can't see any viable option beyond their own feet.  Gah.  That's enough.

I've decided that I need to read more.  Not just magazines or television episode summaries, but actual books.  Fiction and non-fiction alike.  My most recent read was "The Only Road North" by Erik Mirandette.  I would strongly suggest it to anyone.  Based on a true story, it follows the adventure of four men who, after landing on the continent of Africa, travel on dirt bikes from Cape Town to Cairo.  Ah-mazing.  I'm currently reading two other books: "The Orphaned Anything's" by Stephen Christian and "Bella" by Lisa Samson.  While it's a little confusing to get the story lines straight, I am loving both.

On a completely unrelated note: I have this strange desire to paint my nails green.  Not like an emerald green or a lime green.  And for lack of a better description, I want a "bold middle green".  Not sure exactly what color that really is, but I'll keep my eyes open.  Like I said, completely frivolous, but it keeps life fun.  And maybe with bright green nails, it'll keep me calm enough to not want to rip all my hair out next week at Bible Study.  Here's to hoping!

Wrapped In My Memory.

WARNING: This post filled with an absolute purging of my emotional-ness.  It was a tough day.  Be prepared.  Well, at least you were warned.

I went to the world's BEST memorial service today for my dear friend MaryAnn (aka Double Trouble; quite a nickname for a 67 year-old lady).  Surprising to say when it comes to a situation like that, but it truly was.  I don't know how else to describe it besides a true party.  There had to be at least 1,000 attendees.  And knowing her, she wouldn't have it any other way.

It was tough seeing all those people that I had planned on never seeing again.  And holding my tongue about how much they all hurt her by not keeping in touch was even tougher.  But all the while, I had to remind myself to be less selfish, because she impacted all of their lives in some way as well.  It wasn't only my life that she touched, but thousands of others.  However, I was incredibly blessed because during the slideshow, one of the photos was her and I from my graduation.  I about lost it all right there.  Afterwards, I was speaking with her husband, Joe (who is by the way, the world's sweetest guy), and he said, "She really loved you, you know?".  It was something I had always known, but it was wonderful to hear.

While listening to all the speakers tell of their favorite memories of her, I couldn't help but thinking of my own favorite times with her.  First, I cannot overlook the first time we met.  It was a connection of kindred spirits from the start.  She always used to tell me that we were so similar, that it was almost scary.  And we really were.  For goodness sakes, we even had matching sweatshirts that say 'Trouble" and "Double Trouble".  And we kept true to our namesakes.  

We would spend hours in her office, talking about absolutely nothing, but having a sensational time.  She'd get me out of classes, just so we could spend time together and eat our weight in Reeses Peanut Butter cups, or cry about the hardships of life.  We were quite a pair.  I remember a time when she made me pretend to cry, because she saw the teacher whose class I was skipping coming around the corner.  She told him that I was just having a "tough day" and needed a break.  She was a genius.  And she totally had my back.

One of the times when we completely lost it because of our ridiculousness, was Christmas shopping at Target last year.  She had asked if I would take her out, because the normal people that took her were the ones she wanted to shop for.  So, I picked her up and after running a few errands, we finally arrived at Target.  She decided that she should grab one of those motorized carts, because we didn't know how long it was going to take us.  Actually, rewind that.  We knew EXACTLY how long it was going to take us...forever.  There was only one scooter left, and apparently it was a little...off.  Well, it went forwards fine, but whenever it stopped this horrible buzzer went off, and a ear-piercing beep when it went backwards.  Since it was the only one left, we decided it couldn't be THAT bad.  Well, it was.  The buzzer went off so many times, that rather than stopping, she'd just creep along the aisles, and if we didn't see everything we needed, she'd make this huge loop around all the other aisles to get back to the one she wanted.  It was hilarious!  After over 2 hours of craziness, I'm sure the Target employees were glad to see us leave, and enjoy the silence of our no-longer-beeping scooter.

All in all, she was one of the best friends I've ever had.  I don't even think it's sunk in that I won't get to go out for coffee with her again.  Or call her when I've had a bad day.  Or buy matching rings.  Or share utter ridiculousness with.

But thanks to our common bond in Jesus, I know that I will see her again.  Not like she was, but how she was always meant to be.  It'll be perfect.  There are not many things that I know without a doubt.  But, of that I am absolutely sure.

Click Click Click Click.

Well, I'm back. Sort of. I'm back in the fact that I think I'll have more time to post again, but it's not like I ever left where I was. Life just happened, as it always does. It'd be nice sometimes if it would just stop. Like, putting life on pause. Ah, imagination.

I'm halfway through my Winter quarter of classes. I'm taking CAD 3D, which is difficult, but looks awesome when you're finally done. It's been five and a half weeks and all we've made is a room with two walls, windows, drapes, sofa, end table and lamp. That's it. So, you can see how long it'll take, but it does look really good. I'll have to post a photo when I'm finally done.

Also, I've been busy with church. It seems like I'm forcing myself to go in about eighty-five different directions at one time. First, I'm teaching the preschool class with my friend Janelle. It's about 20-25 wild and crazy rugrats that I absolutely adore. It's hectic at times, but I'm learning how to relate to them on their level, without treating them like idiots. I figured, if I treat them like pint-sized adults, things might turn out alright.  Well, it's still a work in progress.  I am so blessed that Janelle is helping me too.  Caroline used to be my right-hand gal, but after her sudden departure to Portland I had to replace her.  Janelle has filled in wonderfully and the kids love her.  It's funny how quick kids will get attached to someone.

Then, I've been involved with my young adults group.  Nothing more than I was doing before, but it just feels busier.  We've got the regular Sunday stuff, which I juggle between my preschool classes.  And then there's Bible Study, which I've taken upon myself to organize the teachers.  And by that I mean, I go around and assign everyone a week to teach and then I make sure that they know about it and show up.  And with all the newcomers, I try to make them feel as welcome as possible, although God knows I am not capable of doing it all or doing it perfectly.  

I don't currently have a job, but I'm looking for one.  Not too actively, but enough that keeps me annoyed.  It's one of those things where I want to have a job, but at the same time I don't.  I like the paycheck, but I don't like having to show up on time and do things that others tell me I have to do.  Ah, the inner turmoil I create for myself.

So, that's my current life in a nutshell.  Not much new, but it keeps me going.  Keeps my breathing.  Although, there's been a huge thing in my life that nearly took my breath away.

One of my dearest and closest friends in the entire world passed away a few weeks ago.  She had been in and out of the hospital for six years now, after having a liver and kidney transplant.  She was such a fighter, and this last time just took it out of her.  She simply couldn't hold on anymore.  And it hurts.  Terribly.  So much so that if I think about it too hard, I can't even breathe.  Since we met, we had always been incredibly close.  We were alike in so many ways, that she said I reminded her of when she was young, which is probably the biggest compliment I could ever get.  We even had matching rings on our hands, which is a huge thing, seeing as how I've never had matching anything with anyone.

We discussed praying for specifics yesterday at Bible Study, as in the case of Eleazar looking for a wife for Isaac.  The collective discussion was that if you pray specifically to God knowing that He will provide, He will.  While I wanted to yell, "No, that doesn't always happen", I sat there in complete silence.  I couldn't tell these people that I had specifically prayed for God to save my friend knowing that He could, and instead He decided to take her away.  It was just too much for me at one time.  Even this is too much, but if I don't talk about it, I think I might explode.

So, after getting all the daily life pleasantries out of the way, the above is how I am actually doing.  Kind of a complicated, and more-than-you-really-wanted-to-know kind of explanation.  Sorry to unload.

But on a happier note, I've started Round Two of the GOLD STAR CHALLENGE!!!  For those of you who have yet to receive your "prize" for participating in Round One, I sincerely apologize.  I will get to you, eventually.  Those of you who have gotten it can attest to it's greatness.  Or lack there of.  Either way, we're pushing forward to Round Two.  Scores are reset to zero.  So, have fun.

Until later...

P.S.  The last post is also up for grabs on the GOLD STAR CHALLENGE!!!  Go at it.